What I Am Learning About PTSD

I know I already blogged on this topic before.

I am trying to learn what I can about PTSD and how to work with it, not against it. 

I am learning more and more that PTSD claims more “victims” than just the person who experienced the traumatic event. If someone is effected by PTSD, then those around them also suffer from it in a sort of way. Their behaviors and actions to suffering from PTSD are then passed onto surrounding family and friends through their reactions. This in no way means that because they suffered a traumatic experience you “know” how they feel. In reality unless you were actually there or experienced it for yourself, you don’t know how they feel. Those that have experienced a traumatic event such as rape, war etc. interact with others around them and then in turn cause those same people to react to the effects from the PTSD.

For example, one of my husband’s reactions to his PTSD was to snap verbally and behaviorally to certain things. He would become rude in his tone and also many times become agitated in his behavior. As a result of it, I would become just as snappy with my words in replying to him and shuffle our youngest one out of the room away from her dad. I looked at it as though, I would make her go away and then I could deal with the hassles and take on my husband being an ass so she wouldn’t have to. This went on for years and became what we trained ourselves to think of as normal responses. Fact is, we were suffering from my husband’s PTSD and did not realize it. We (including him) did not realize that he even had PTSD at the time.

I just thought that he wasn’t happy at home and looked for ways to smooth things over or to take the “heat” from him acting like a jerk. My family has been plagued by abuse since we were kids and I knew how I felt when it was happening. I didn’t want our young daughter to be in the middle of that or to have any lasting effects like I did. In reality he was reacting to triggers and passed his reactions on to us in behavior and attitude.

Now the blame is not being put on my husband in anyway. Yes, he suffers from PTSD as a result from many military deployments during his career in the Army. Yes, he becomes angry and we get the brunt of his anger. However, not knowing he had PTSD and even when he was diagnosed with it, we had no clue what it really was, how it effected him on a daily basis, or how it effected us as a family. We learned that there were many triggers for his PTSD to cause paranoia, hyper-alertness (hyper-sensitivity), becoming withdrawn, numbness in feelings, the inability to sleep and the nightmares. As we learned more information regarding this, we also learned that we tried to “cover up” his behavior with our own actions. During this three year period he never had the opportunity to “work through” his issues.

We actually were preventing his progress in dealing with the side effect he had of war. Now that we are a little more informed of why my husband reacts the way he does, we have taken on a whole new approach to our own behaviors. As a family, now we look for ways to support my husband when he becomes withdrawn by giving him an hour upstairs where he has time to get his feelings under control or we go out for an hour and let him have the house. When the paranoia kicks in we shut the curtains in the house and watch a movie together instead of allowing him to feel vulnerable. When there’s a gunshot in the distance or a loud sudden noise nearby, I gently touch his arm and ask him if he’s ok. The soft touch and a familiar voice allows his mind to realize he is back home and not in a war zone.  To dull out the noises that wake him when he is terribly trying to fall asleep, we turn on a fan or a soothing sounds machine.

This disorder has effected us all. Instead of working against each other as we had before, we now work together. We function more as a family instead of roommates all in the same house. He still has bad days, but there are less of them where he is difficult to be near. We have also started talking more about what he is going through. Our discussions are not about what he did on his deployments, but more how he is feeling at that time. No longer do we suffer from unexpected reactions. His medicine does help calm his mind, but it doesn’t make his fears, hyper sensitivity, and occasional paranoia go away. It makes all of these tolerable and much less explosive. He even sleeps at night more often these days. The counseling also helps. He can talk to the doctors that can better understand what he is dealing with as many of them are veterans themselves and/or work closely with other veterans suffering from the same problems.

I have also learned that you can not make some one suffering from PTSD get help. They have to want the help for starters. Sometimes (as in my husband’s case) they are unaware of their behaviors and how they are treating those around them. They are simply dealing with their feelings and are oblivious to most anything else. They can be rather forgetful. It isn’t on purpose, they have so much going on in their minds that simple things such as showering daily become an after thought. I am constantly making subtle suggestions to my husband like, “so after your shower are you coming to bed?”. By mentioning the shower it is a mental cue for him to take one. I don’t need to be rude about it or make him feel like I am being controlling. If they feel like you are being controlling a person tends to react by purposely becoming defiant. It then turns into a vicious circle.

I have learned that you need to be patient and caring. Do not become co-dependant. Your happiness doesn’t come from making them happy. You are not failing as a spouse because your husband has become physically and/or emotionally distant. They are reacting to the numbness they feel. Work together and be understanding. Many times, there are support groups for the families at the VA Centers that you can attend. Read books and anything you can get your hands on relating to PTSD and how it effects different people. The better informed you are, they better you can deal with the cards you are dealt.

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