The Battle Against PTSD Continues

Well the PTSD in my husband continues. He became very depressed back in April after losing his Workers Compensation for an injury he sustained over a year ago. He was also suffering from the pain from the service connected injuries he had sustained in his years of service with the United States Army. He began feeling very inadequate as a man because he could no longer provide for his family. The flash backs and nightmares became not only worse but daily. He went from very outgoing and friendly to withdrawn and moody. He wasn’t too bad outside of the home because he put on his “happy” face and tried to conceal his personal anguishes. As the next couple of months went by he got more and more depressed. Some people in our circle began to notice, but did not say anything to him about it.

Our realtionship had long ago become one that resembled two roommates that put up with each other more than a married couple who loved each other. There was no touching, or love making any longer. I longed for seperate beds if not seperate bedrooms each day, but becuase of the situation I did not want to mention it to him for fear that it would set him off. I no longer knew the man I had spent almost the past decade with. Our daily lives rarely crossed paths anymore. I tried to stay out of his way and he stayed within his own realm of himself.

I began to really worry about him as things got worse with his behavior. He bought a small pocket sized pistol even though I told him I did not like the gun. I feared that in his state of mind he would use it on himself on a say when things did not go well for him. I worried everyday of what I would find when I came home. His suicide would not be the first within his family. It scared the living hell out of me. I was so afraid to say anything to him about my fear because I also feared his reaction. I didn’t know if my mentioning suicide would drive him to do it or not. What I didn’t know was that he was contemplating it the whole time. he just wasn’t sure how to do it. He later told me that the only things keeping him from going through with it was the youngest girl and I. He didn’t want us to find him that way.

We had a disagreement when he sold his bike in July to help pay the bills. We were very low on money, but not to a point where we had to begin selling our worldly possessions. He quietly sold his motorcycle and asked me to pick him up at the bar that night. I was angry that he was at the bar considering we had no spare money. When I picked him up I found out that the bike was gone and he decided to get drunk. he is not a drinker by any means, so this act was out of left field for him. I was angry at the time for what he did, but did not hold it against him for more than a short period of time. Later that evening when we went to pick up the daughter from her grandparents’ house, he got out of the car and disappeared. no on knew he had left or where he went. he would not answer his phone we I called. I began driving all over the place trying to find him with no luck. I later found out that some friends had picked him up when he was walking and took him back to thier house to drink. At some point he came home after I had gone to bed waiting for him to call. He drank some more and then packed a bag and began walking. I am not sure where he was going, because I have heard a few different versions of his intended destination. I awoke in the middle of the night to what I knew were strange sounds within the house. I laid there for a minute or so contemplating getting my .357 to escort me while I investigated the noise. I decided that may be a bad idea and left it in its place when I went downstairs. There was no one around inside, outside or on the streets. I then noticed the bottle he had been drinking from on the counter. I realized then that he had come home at some point. I tried calling again and got no response from him. I returned to bed with my cell phone and the home phone in hopes he would return my call soon. I woke the next morning to find him downstairs. He gave no logical explanation for his actions that previous day or night.

Things cooled off a bit and then the following week he disappeared again after a disagreement. this time my mom had called to say he was over there and she just wanted me to know he was safe. I was furious. Furious, because he kept running off instead of the two of us talking things out like adults. He came home a few hours later sober but sullen.

A few night later we did talk a bit about his bevahior changes. He finally decided to talk to the people at the VA hospital nearby. during this discussion I found out that he was contemplating suicide, how depressed he really was and how much of a “f*** up” he thought he was. He told me that the nightmares and flashbacks were with him almost constantly. I was baffled.

Later that week he met with the people out there as promised. They suggested he admit himself into the Psych Ward for treatment immediately. His cuurent state of mind even made the doctors there scared for him. First step in the process was to get him into the ward and work to get a balance with his medications. He admitted himself and would then become a full time patient until they could put him on a medication cocktail that kept him in control. When I saw him that first night there he had a look of relief on his face. He looked relieved to not have to put on a front for the world. There were many others there in similar situations to his. We talked a short period of time about the future of this process. On average, people stay at the ward for two weeks while the doctors get the medications under control with an evaluation closer to the end of that period. During the stay there you are assigned a social worker to work with you, a Pysch Team and are monitored constantly by the nursing staff daily for your safety and the other patients safety.

He was assigned his team and social worker who have worked with him to make the improvements he has made thus far. They now have his pain, anxiety and edginess under control. He is about to end his two week stay there and will be released. He has been accepted into the PCT Clinic. There they will work with him in the areas of feelings and emotions. He has been numb for so long with this severe case of depression accompanied by the PTSD that he no longer recognizes these things we take for granted. There are two phases to the feelings and emotional piece of the program. The third phase is delving into the causes of his depression and PTSD. Apparently that is a very intense portion of the process because it forces the person to talk about all the things that they wouldn’t talk about in the first place.

He will be released this weekend before he begins phase one of this next part of treatment. All phases require the patients to be residents, but you are no longer locked down like the residents in the ward.

I am grateful that my husband is getting the treatment he needs. I was upset that he would not talk to me prior to the start of this process, but I did find out that he had been talking to individuals within our community. He opened up in small increments but on different topics. I later felt better knowing he had talked to someone at least.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster through this whole process. He has continued to tell me that this is not my fault and he loves me. I must admit that it is very hard to believe that most of the time. I have cried so many tears trying to figure out to make our relationship better and how to make him happier. When he was admitted I was relieved that I did not have to spend so many hours a day worrying about him. My world spins so fast most of the time that I can not keep up. I sometimes feel that the responsibilities that have been thrust upon me are too much to handle. Often times I really don’t know what is gone on with my husband (even now) other than seeing he looks better and him telling me everything is fine. I still feel very disconnected from him and very alone in the world. I am very overwhelmed.

His suffering from PTSD has affected more than just him. It has affected our entire family but mostly the girls and I. There are times where I am jealous that he has the doctors to talk to. I feel as though I have no one and have to handle everything on my own. Deep down I have hopes that once he completes the treatment things will turn around for us. I am going to look into seeing if the VA offers any type of counseling to spouses. While I am not looking for specifics on my husband, I am looking to understand PTSD more and how to repair the damage it has caused to our relationship while also wanting to understand how it really affects the veteran. I think it would be helpful and give me a new perspective on how to react to and handle this situation in the future as we move forward.

I am interested to see how the first phase goes. It starts next week after the holiday weekend.