The Battle Against PTSD Continues

Well the PTSD in my husband continues. He became very depressed back in April after losing his Workers Compensation for an injury he sustained over a year ago. He was also suffering from the pain from the service connected injuries he had sustained in his years of service with the United States Army. He began feeling very inadequate as a man because he could no longer provide for his family. The flash backs and nightmares became not only worse but daily. He went from very outgoing and friendly to withdrawn and moody. He wasn’t too bad outside of the home because he put on his “happy” face and tried to conceal his personal anguishes. As the next couple of months went by he got more and more depressed. Some people in our circle began to notice, but did not say anything to him about it.

Our realtionship had long ago become one that resembled two roommates that put up with each other more than a married couple who loved each other. There was no touching, or love making any longer. I longed for seperate beds if not seperate bedrooms each day, but becuase of the situation I did not want to mention it to him for fear that it would set him off. I no longer knew the man I had spent almost the past decade with. Our daily lives rarely crossed paths anymore. I tried to stay out of his way and he stayed within his own realm of himself.

I began to really worry about him as things got worse with his behavior. He bought a small pocket sized pistol even though I told him I did not like the gun. I feared that in his state of mind he would use it on himself on a say when things did not go well for him. I worried everyday of what I would find when I came home. His suicide would not be the first within his family. It scared the living hell out of me. I was so afraid to say anything to him about my fear because I also feared his reaction. I didn’t know if my mentioning suicide would drive him to do it or not. What I didn’t know was that he was contemplating it the whole time. he just wasn’t sure how to do it. He later told me that the only things keeping him from going through with it was the youngest girl and I. He didn’t want us to find him that way.

We had a disagreement when he sold his bike in July to help pay the bills. We were very low on money, but not to a point where we had to begin selling our worldly possessions. He quietly sold his motorcycle and asked me to pick him up at the bar that night. I was angry that he was at the bar considering we had no spare money. When I picked him up I found out that the bike was gone and he decided to get drunk. he is not a drinker by any means, so this act was out of left field for him. I was angry at the time for what he did, but did not hold it against him for more than a short period of time. Later that evening when we went to pick up the daughter from her grandparents’ house, he got out of the car and disappeared. no on knew he had left or where he went. he would not answer his phone we I called. I began driving all over the place trying to find him with no luck. I later found out that some friends had picked him up when he was walking and took him back to thier house to drink. At some point he came home after I had gone to bed waiting for him to call. He drank some more and then packed a bag and began walking. I am not sure where he was going, because I have heard a few different versions of his intended destination. I awoke in the middle of the night to what I knew were strange sounds within the house. I laid there for a minute or so contemplating getting my .357 to escort me while I investigated the noise. I decided that may be a bad idea and left it in its place when I went downstairs. There was no one around inside, outside or on the streets. I then noticed the bottle he had been drinking from on the counter. I realized then that he had come home at some point. I tried calling again and got no response from him. I returned to bed with my cell phone and the home phone in hopes he would return my call soon. I woke the next morning to find him downstairs. He gave no logical explanation for his actions that previous day or night.

Things cooled off a bit and then the following week he disappeared again after a disagreement. this time my mom had called to say he was over there and she just wanted me to know he was safe. I was furious. Furious, because he kept running off instead of the two of us talking things out like adults. He came home a few hours later sober but sullen.

A few night later we did talk a bit about his bevahior changes. He finally decided to talk to the people at the VA hospital nearby. during this discussion I found out that he was contemplating suicide, how depressed he really was and how much of a “f*** up” he thought he was. He told me that the nightmares and flashbacks were with him almost constantly. I was baffled.

Later that week he met with the people out there as promised. They suggested he admit himself into the Psych Ward for treatment immediately. His cuurent state of mind even made the doctors there scared for him. First step in the process was to get him into the ward and work to get a balance with his medications. He admitted himself and would then become a full time patient until they could put him on a medication cocktail that kept him in control. When I saw him that first night there he had a look of relief on his face. He looked relieved to not have to put on a front for the world. There were many others there in similar situations to his. We talked a short period of time about the future of this process. On average, people stay at the ward for two weeks while the doctors get the medications under control with an evaluation closer to the end of that period. During the stay there you are assigned a social worker to work with you, a Pysch Team and are monitored constantly by the nursing staff daily for your safety and the other patients safety.

He was assigned his team and social worker who have worked with him to make the improvements he has made thus far. They now have his pain, anxiety and edginess under control. He is about to end his two week stay there and will be released. He has been accepted into the PCT Clinic. There they will work with him in the areas of feelings and emotions. He has been numb for so long with this severe case of depression accompanied by the PTSD that he no longer recognizes these things we take for granted. There are two phases to the feelings and emotional piece of the program. The third phase is delving into the causes of his depression and PTSD. Apparently that is a very intense portion of the process because it forces the person to talk about all the things that they wouldn’t talk about in the first place.

He will be released this weekend before he begins phase one of this next part of treatment. All phases require the patients to be residents, but you are no longer locked down like the residents in the ward.

I am grateful that my husband is getting the treatment he needs. I was upset that he would not talk to me prior to the start of this process, but I did find out that he had been talking to individuals within our community. He opened up in small increments but on different topics. I later felt better knowing he had talked to someone at least.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster through this whole process. He has continued to tell me that this is not my fault and he loves me. I must admit that it is very hard to believe that most of the time. I have cried so many tears trying to figure out to make our relationship better and how to make him happier. When he was admitted I was relieved that I did not have to spend so many hours a day worrying about him. My world spins so fast most of the time that I can not keep up. I sometimes feel that the responsibilities that have been thrust upon me are too much to handle. Often times I really don’t know what is gone on with my husband (even now) other than seeing he looks better and him telling me everything is fine. I still feel very disconnected from him and very alone in the world. I am very overwhelmed.

His suffering from PTSD has affected more than just him. It has affected our entire family but mostly the girls and I. There are times where I am jealous that he has the doctors to talk to. I feel as though I have no one and have to handle everything on my own. Deep down I have hopes that once he completes the treatment things will turn around for us. I am going to look into seeing if the VA offers any type of counseling to spouses. While I am not looking for specifics on my husband, I am looking to understand PTSD more and how to repair the damage it has caused to our relationship while also wanting to understand how it really affects the veteran. I think it would be helpful and give me a new perspective on how to react to and handle this situation in the future as we move forward.

I am interested to see how the first phase goes. It starts next week after the holiday weekend.

More on PTSD and where to educate yourself

PTSD is something I try to pay very close attention to since my husband suffers from it. There are people out there with PTSD that are worse off than my husband, and I do not disregard their struggles. It is not easy for the one who suffers from PTSD nor is it easy for the family and friends that surround this individual.

The entire process has its ups and downs. There are good days and bad days as well as those in between days. I, personally, have found that living with someone with PTSD can be similar in ways to having another full time job. I have found that I must remind my husband (or at least inquire) regularly to take his medication. The meds that they have put him on have really made a big difference in his behavior and daily functions, which makes it very important for him to be on them daily. Missing some doses can be very rough. not just for him, but for anyone that interacts with him.

Here a few weeks ago he had forgotten to take his pills for a few days. I had noticed that he was a bit grumpier than normal, but attributed to work and the upcoming tests at college. Then one day he went from simply being grumpy to straight up pissed off. He was horrible to deal with let alone even try to have a conversation with. After two days of this attitude (or so I thought it was), I came home from work to find him laying in bed when he should have been at work. I tried to be funny and joked with him, but he responded quite meanly to my bantering. This is when he told me he had come home because he hadn’t taken is pills in a few days and was beginning to feel rather violent. He told me he didn’t think it was a good day to deal with customers. (I can believe that one from first hand experience.) It was at this moment that I realized just how things had been over the last few days and with finding out about him not taking his pills realized it explained manythings. It is amazing how easy it can be to just blame the bad actions of a person on them as if they are intentionally trying to be a terrible person. This isn’t to say the actions should be excused, but actually looked at more closely as to why a person is putting these actions forth. While we all have our faults, I know that when my husband is on his medications and has a bad day…it is like anyone’s “bad day”. However, when he doesn’t take his medications and has a bad day…you can believe there is a huge unmistakable difference.

This is a large reason for education and awareness. I have been checking out a site that is filled with information and resources. I feel better being armed with knowledge these days then I did a few years ago before he was diagnosed and we were just “living” with “his issues”. This really is something that effects the entire family.

Check out the pages and get more information to help yourself or your loved ones.  You can also search the PILOTS database for publications related to PTSD. These links are for PTSD and are sponsored by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, however they do not limit the information to only Veterans.

The National Center for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder website:        http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/information/

About PILOTS database:     http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/publications/pilots/index.html

Information from Military.com. One this page you can find an overview and quite a few links to other information sources for veterans: http://www.military.com/benefits/resources/ptsd-overview

Life with Mater

Today’s movies tend to leave their mark on our children. They imitate the lines that make us laugh. Sometimes they even personify the characters they love. Well this is no different with my three year old nephew. He loves the movie Cars. He repeats lines and watches the movie as often as you will let him. He has now taken to calling himself “Mater, like tah-mater, but with out the ‘tah’”. Mater has brought quite the comedic relief into our lives since he began living with my parents several weeks ago. He has come up with some stunts and has popped off with some lines of his own that just make us laugh. Below are some examples of our life with Mater:

Scenario:  The previous night Nana sat on the couch and watched a movie with Mater while they ate some air-popped popcorn she had made. When the movie was over, she placed the bowl on the counter with the intentions of feeding the leftovers to her geese the next day as a treat. The next day arrived and Nana headed off to work for the day. At some point Poppy woke up and stepped into the living room to find Mater sitting on the back of the over sized couch with his feet dangling as if he was sitting on a fishing dock. The popcorn bowl was firmly tucked between his knees and the three dogs sat in a row in front of him. He was pitching handfuls of popcorn onto the floor like he was at the park feeding the squirrels. None of the dogs ate the popcorn (apparently they like butter flavored), but they all sat there looking at him like they knew how much trouble he was going to be in when Poppy found him. Nope, Poppy wasn’t happy that morning.

One-Liner #1: As Poppy began his normal morning routine, Mater firmly gave Poppy the morning schedule: “You go get a shower and shave your face. I gonna cut your hair.“

One-Liner #2: (I swear this is his favorite line.) It all started the day I let him sit on my lap while driving the riding lawn mower and allowed him to steer. “Uh huh, cuz’ I an awsun driver!” It is now his reasoning for a variety of things, not to mention the sole reason he believes he can start up the “tractor” and take it for a spin when he feels the need. Thank goodness he can’t reach the pedals.

One-Liner #3:  One morning Mater asked his grandfather to make him some french toast sticks that Nana had in the freezer. Poppy pulled out the box and read the directions with the one eye he had open. It was way to early for Poppy to be awake as a general rule…but, with Mater comes earlier wake up times. So in the toaster the french toast sticks go. Poppy pushes the little button down and walks away for a few minutes to finish waking up. The next sound to be heard is Mater announcing “Poppy, they’re smoking” in a melodic tone. Sure enough, the french toast sticks were smoking. Apparently, while reading the directions, Poppy stopped at the point where they read “in microwave or toaster” he wasn’t quite awake enough to read “in microwave or toaster OVEN”. When the button was depressed, the french toast sticks fell over and the toaster could not pop back up once the toaster reached a certain cook period. OOPS!

One-Liner #4: “Boys don’t lie. Only girls do…like my mommy.”

Conversation: One day Poppy and Mater stopped by to see Nana at work as they drove home from a day of errands. This must have gotten Mater thinking. When Nana arrived home that evening, Mater looked at her and asked, “Nana, why do you go to work?“

Nana smiled at him and replied, “To make money.”

Mater thought about it for a second and asked “Why, Nana?“

Again she smiled at him as she put her purse down and replied to him, “So I can buy you cookies.“

“Do you have any cookies, Nana?” Mater asked hoping she had some tucked away somewhere.

“No, honey, I don’t have any today.” Nana responded.

“Why not, you went to work?” Mater questioned.

Lessons we have learned from Mater:

• Peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches fix everything.
• You cannot play two movies at a time; it doesn’t matter how hard you try to jam the second tape into a VCR.
• You can pee in the backyard even though Nana tells you it’s bad.
• It doesn’t matter how much trouble you get into, Poppy will always love you.
• Cowboy boots go with everything, especially shorts.
• Without a hook, you can fish for hours and never use all of your bait.

It is funny to have such a little man pull things together and put them into perspective at his age. You can’t let him fool you, he’s a smart cookie. Just when you think you have the upper hand for the simple fact that you are an adult, in comes Mater. Whether it is a line he pulls out of nowhere, or the things you find him doing; he has a habit of reminding us about the simple things in life that can not be bought or traded. Laughter really can be the best medicine, as quoted by many and Mater has brought us that through his antics and one liners each day. We are always looking forward to see what the newest “Mater update” is.

 

Public Service Announcement: VA Medical Treatment…Have you had yours lately?

Are you a military veteran or know someone who is? Do you/they have a slight or mild combat related injury? Have you/they received treatment for such injury? Well if you/they have not done so, do it now. Did you know that the longer you wait to go to the VA Medical Center and start a claim for what ails you, the harder it can be to get treatment down the road. The more time that passes by between your injury and the time you begin to really suffer the effects of it lessens your chances of getting service connected medical treatment because it takes more “evidence” to prove it is really combat/service connected. This is an issue facing soldiers now even if they are coping well with what they feel is a simple inconvienece.

For example: A soldier is in the turret of a vehicle while serving in Iraq and that vehicle hits something on the road. During that moment the soldier is flung around and twists his/her back. After returning to the FOB (forward operating base) that soldier feels the back muscles tightening and getting rather sore. As any tough soldier, they may shrug it off because they wouldn’t want to be weighed down by going to sick bay and putting something this small on record. So time goes by and that soldier deals with the discomfort on a day to day basis. Finally the unit returns to the States and the soldier returns to his/her everday job whether they are a reservist or on active duty. The pain begins to increase and it becomes more and more difficult to perform daily activities. Mind you years may have passed since that day in Iraq for that soldier. Finally they go to their family doctor and have it checked out. It is at that time when they learn that their back pain is a deepr rooted issue from trauma that had been sustained. Hmmm, the only trauma ever sustained would have been that jolt in the vehicle that day. Wow, now that veteran goes to the VA Medical Center nearest them and tries to get the VA to handle the treatment. “Uhhh, wait” the VA now tells that soldier, “how do we know you didn’t do this playing a game of football in your back yard?”

They certainly do not want to take on a case when there is nothing to show that it happened while they were still serving their country. There are enough medical issues in this country, not to mention the VA’s limited budget for medical treatment. They must be sure that the services they provide to our veterans are related to the services they provided to our country. Granted there is a ton of red tape to go through and “witnesses” could be recalled and asked to write a letter stating that they saw or were directly involved somehow to the situation the veteran is claiming happened. It could be handled and things could turn out for the benefit of that veteran.  But it is a long battle most times and often times it is not won.

If that same person would have gone to the VA Medical Center when they had first come back from deployment and filed a claim they would have been better off. Even if no treatment was needed right away, at least the case would be filed. It is far easier to re-open a case down the road when problems arise than it is to create a case after so much time has passed. I deeply encourage anyone suffering from anything combat related to see your nearest VA Medical Center for treatment or to at least file a claim. You may not be looking to get percentages of your disability increased (or started), but get that case filed!! You should file for anything from a combat related pulled tooth to PTSD. Get the help you deserve. It is out there and there are people willing to help you cut through the red tape as well as walk you through the process you must take.

The DAV folks help these veterans get the care and treatment they need and should have. They will also assist in placing claims and filing for disability percentages. If you or someone you know has any service connected injuries they really should see the DAV reps for help in processing claims. Yes, even for things as silly as getting a prosthetic tooth because your had to be pulled before you were able to depart for your deployment. It may sound stupid, but the military pulled your tooth to allow you to serve your country, why should you have to pay your dentist to get one after you have returned from duty? That would be the silly part.

This is something of a secret in most VA facilities because they wouldn’t watn everyone to know that. Granted, they will take care of our veterans, by they wouldn’t want to promote something like that either. I encourage all veterans to seek appointments with the nearest VA Medical Center for all related injuries. It could save you money in the long run. You served our country, now let our country help you.

Click this link to find local facilities:

http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter_flsh.asp?isFlash=1

The scores are in and the progress continues

Yesterday was report card/parent conferences night. I was a little leery at out my daughter’s grades would look. Her Math and Social Studies grades on the previous report card were both “D’s”. In our house, that is unacceptable regardless if the school district considers it to be passing or not. Because of her struggles with the two subjects we had told her she needed to improve them for the next marking period. We did not yell at her, but we did make it understood that these grades must improve.

Last night I met with her teacher and heard how wonderful she treated her fellow students and her genuine concern for their feelings. Which is great to know that your child is a good citizen in the classroom and in general when away from home and the watchful eyes of their parents. My biggest concern was her grades and where improvement was needed.

Her teacher slid the report card to me and I began scanning the form looking at the grades. To my surprise she had brought both her Math and Social Studies grades up to a C-. It is not honor roll material as far as grades go, but I was very proud of her. She had been working hard over the last several weeks, but seemed to have been struggling just as much as ever. I was worried that her grades would reflect this as well. On the contrary. She ended in up a B- in Reading and English/Writing and an A in Science. She is working much harder to “critically” read material instead of whipping over it as fast as she can to get through it. She is a very good reader, her problem has been that she doesn’t retain the information due to her speed reading. That has been her downfall in the grade department with those two subjects. She is still doing well and has actually taken her father’s advice and began the critical reading work he tried to teach her. Even her teacher has noticed it and mentioned that my daughter is no longer one of the first children to turn in their reading tests any more. She is really focusing on the material being presented.

Her Science grade did surprise me at all since Science is a very big draw for her. If Science is involved you can bet her little, perky nose will be right there in the middle of it to see what is going on. For Christmas this year we bought her an “Eyeclops” which magnifies things to and insane degree and shows some great detail. (Don’t let her near your legs if you haven’t shaved in a day or so…GROSS!!) A few weeks ago I happened to be at a Goodwill store looking around and came across a youth microscope with a ton of accessories from slides, petri dishes to a scalpel that had never been used. So I scooped it up for her to tinker with. The methylene blue had dried up within the sealed container, but that was about all that was wrong with it. My husband ending up getting her a fair sized bottle of it as well as scientific grade glass slides and cover slips from the biology department at his college for her. The slides have such a better clarity than the plastic ones that came with the package. She has been tickled pink. Then the other night we made slime in the kitchen with various ingredients. The joy in her eyes to see the chemical changes in the materials is quite a sight. So her Science grade was no surprise at all. Even her teacher commented on the intensity in which she focuses during that part of class.

I think part of her increased grades and attention at school has been the higher dosage in her ADHD medicine as well as her increased sleep at night. (Insomnia is an unfortunate side effect of the medicine in some children.) Not only did the change in dosage help, but her doctor suggested that we begin giving her Melatonin at night to aid her sleep. Her doctor is against prescribing medication unless it is the absolute best thing for what ails the child. He has been hesitant in her prescription from the start and had even mentioned that as a doctor he would like to see her off of the meds by age 12 if at all possible. (We have agreed too, we would like to see her mentally condition herself to work with this disability rather than use the meds as a crutch her whole life…if it is possible for her.) He suggested adding Melatonin to her nightly ritual and see if it helps. Because of his feelings on medicines he did not want to prescribe a sleep aid for her, and instead suggested a natural supplement. We gave her the 3mg of Melatonin at night when she was preparing for bed and noticed her falling asleep faster nightly.

I have been researching Melatonin and it’s effects on the body. Since her body does not naturally produce enough Melatonin to compensate for the Concerta she takes daily she is needing to supplement it in pill form. My mother recently came across some information about dealing with menopause that she thought my daughter may benefit from and suggested we give it a shot.

For irregular menstrual cycles it is stated that during a full moon you should sleep with the moonlight shining on your face for the first three nights and then sleep in total darkness for the rest of the time until the next full moon. Apparently (which I did not know) the tiniest light; even from your digital alarm clock, can disrupt the body’s natural process for producing Melatonin. The human body relies on total darkness to produce this chemical naturally within the body. My nine year old does not have to currently handle the worries of her menstrual cycle being regular each month, so it isn’t too much of a concern in that department. However, the total darkness and light from an alarm clock pieces of it do apply to her.

My goal this weekend will be to test this new idea out at home. I will be purchasing a room darkening shade to install in her bedroom and will be removing the alarm clock as well. I will discontinue her nightly Melatonin dosage and see where things end up over the course of the next week or so.

I truly believe that the increased sleep she has been getting over the past few weeks since she started taking the Melatonin has directly affected her improvements within the classroom and with her behavior. While she is not a “wild child” she has often times been extremely needy for attention on top of her being distracted easily from her tasks. Since I can remember with her, the more tired she gets the more “ramped up” she becomes trying to fight off sleep and its clutch on her. I am sure that with her recent improvements within the classroom that she is getting more sleep at night allowing her Concerta to do its job so she can focus on her studies. Her teacher has also made comments regarding such, which began the wheels within my mind to begin turning and putting pieces together.  I am hoping this new experiment at home will offset the effects of her prescription and allow her body to perform on a more natural basis of its own when it comes to her sleep cycles.

Menstration and the daughter

I was talking to my mom the other night about my daughter’s horrible emotional swing she had had. It was Sunday afternoon and I had just gotten back from picking her up at her uncle’s house where she had spent the weekend. She immediatley wanted to hop on the computer and play a game. My husband asked her if she had studied anything this weekend or had spent time reading at all. She said no and he suggested that she did so before she just played around. He turned and walked away to do his own homework for his college courses. She just looked at me and the tears welled up in her eyes. They were these huge crocodile tears. She told me she didn’t have any of her books at home to study with. So I suggested that she get out some paper and write down her multiplication facts (which is an area she has some trouble with at school). She did, but the tears just flowed. It isn’t like he yelled at her or was mean in anyway. She just went from happy to bawling in seconds.
Later that night we were watching a movie and I realized it was quarter after eight. Her bedtime is eight, so I paused the movie and told her to get ready for bed. She tried to say she wasn’t tired, but that wasn’t cutting it with me…day light savings or not. I told her she could finish it the next day, and again the crocodile tears came a flowing.
So after talking to her grand mother about the recent events, she brought to my attention the fact that my daughter may be starting that wonderful part of life called…menstration. YAY! Wow, what a concept. It is hard for me to put in to perspective the idea of my little girl hitting that stage in life at what seems like such a young age. In reality, she is nine years old and it is common for girls to begin getting their period between the ages of 8 and 17. It just still seems unfathomable to me. Now I have to find a way to talk to her about these changes in her body and what to expect. (Damn, why couldn’t I just have had a son…really?) My daughter is the type to just blurt things out sometimes regardless of who may be in the room when she does. I would really be embarrassed for her if such an even struck her at school and she knew nothing of the subject. I could only imagine the horror she would feel if she found the awful stains in her panties after using the restroom and not knowing what was happening; then asking her teacher in a not so descret fashion while the curious ears of the classroom where nearby to overhear. The teasing and humiliation that would follow would be everlasting. As it is she can be very sensitive to even the lightest teasing about things. I would feel horrible as a parent on top of it.
So, after a day’s thought of the subject, I began searching the the ‘net for ways to talk to her about it and get some insight on what exactly to tell her in a way that would not freak her out. I was also trying to come up with a way of telling her what was happening to her body in a way that she could relate to. So it began. I found two sites that I thought did a good job at putting the explanation into terms she could understand. I kept the pages marked for later usage. My thought was to have her read the information and then we could talk about it together. (The sites I tagged are: http://www.iwannaknow.org/puberty and http://www.avert.org/puberty2.htm)

****It has now been a week since I had my daughter read through the information on the websites. After she was done we discussed what she had read and further talked about what to look forward to. She had a few questions about the information. We shall see if it sticks with her and keeps her from freaking out when her cycle hits. If not, we will just have to sit down and talk through it again. Time will tell…..

ADHD Progress

Well in my last post regarding my daughter’s ADHD struggles, she was going to be entering a tutoring session provided by the school. So far, it is working. Her Social Studies grades are rising and her reading comprehension is improving as well. Her math is getting better, but she is still have some minor struggles. It hasn’t improved at the same rate as the other two subjects.

She has a better concept on the formulas and processes. The multiplication tables are her nemisis.With studying them regularly she does well when we test her at home. When she is doing homework she tends to forget them. I think it is more of a long term memory thing. She can’t recall them after a certain time period.

This is true for her in other areas as well and is why we have gone to making her lists. The lists remind her of what she needs to do and it’s broken down into sublists as well. It reduces giving her a broad subject to cover. “Clean your room” is just to much for her little mind to cover; there are too many steps to miss. As she completes each step she just crosses it out or puts a check mark next to it. If we don’t do it this way we have to give this huge speech over and over about how to do it and verbally repeat each step. Then she is bound to come back and ask you several times just what it was she had to make sure she accomplished in that task.

The new doasge of her medicine also helps. She originally started on Concerta 18 mg. It worked wonders for awhile. There were no notable side effects for her. She did lose a little bit of weight, but was also growing through a growth spurt. So she shot up in height, but not in the weight department. She was eating like a horse so the doctor was not concerned of the lack of appetite than can sometimes be a side effect.  The doctor was concerned about her going to bed so late and felt that possibly the medicine wasn’t wearing off fast enough for her to sleep at night. We changed over to Metadate 20mg and she did great again. She was still up late at night and her height/weight continued to react the same way.

We eventaully noticed that the medicine just did not seem to be remaining in her system into the afternoon hours to aid in her concentration for homework. We struggled with this for months. Finally after speaking to her teacher and finding out that her teacher noticed the same lack on concentration in the classroom, we asked the doctor to switch medicines again. The doctor told us that eventually the children out grow the dosages and sometimes have to have them adjusted to one that is more suitable to the child. Now she is back on Concerta and has been upped to a 36mg dosage. The results have been great. Her teacher has noted the improvements in the classroom too.

Since the change, tutoring began as well. The combination of a higher dosage as well as the further in depth review and one on one work she gets in tutoring is helping her acedemically. That has been our concern as parents from the start of this diagnosis/treament process that began three years ago. We will deal with her “wild” behavior at home and the “broken record” talks we have with her to get things done such as chores, but good acedemics are a big key in our home. Would I love for her to have straight A’s and breeze through her studies? Yeah, what parent wouldn’t?! I realize that this may never happen for her. We have talked with our daughter about how she has to do the extra work in order to stay on top of her school subjects. She knows that she is different from other kids that way, but it isn’t an excuse for learning or in some cases: not learning.

This past summer, my husband gave the task of learning her multiplication facts before school began this past fall. She studied them like she was supposed to in the beginning, then we had to remind her constantly to review them. Finally it all slipped. We stopped telling her and she stopped doing it. When the classwork got to those same multiplication facts this year, she struggled. During one of her nights of homework trouble, her dad looked at her and asked if she now realized why he tried so hard to get her to know them before the school year began.  She rambled on how the other kids didn’t know them yet either. After going round and round in that converstaion we finally got her to see that the point he was making was simply this: the other kids are learning them now and doing well at remembering them and getting good grades because of it. She wasn’t because she was having trouble remembering them and needed the extra time to memorize the facts. It was at that point she realized we had pushed her to help her not to be awful parents that made her do “school work” during what was supposed to be a relaxing summer vacation.

 It has taken a lot of work on not only her part, but our entire family’s to help her stay on track and develop a system that works. The biggest thing we are/ have learned is you, the parent, can not deviate from the system. If you do, she will also. The entire program you have set up then has to be started from the beginning. It takes discipline on everyone’s part to make it successful. Find what works for you, we did. We are constantly looking for better ways to help her and new ideas that are either better or would fit in to the system we have already developed.

What I Am Learning About PTSD

I know I already blogged on this topic before.

I am trying to learn what I can about PTSD and how to work with it, not against it. 

I am learning more and more that PTSD claims more “victims” than just the person who experienced the traumatic event. If someone is effected by PTSD, then those around them also suffer from it in a sort of way. Their behaviors and actions to suffering from PTSD are then passed onto surrounding family and friends through their reactions. This in no way means that because they suffered a traumatic experience you “know” how they feel. In reality unless you were actually there or experienced it for yourself, you don’t know how they feel. Those that have experienced a traumatic event such as rape, war etc. interact with others around them and then in turn cause those same people to react to the effects from the PTSD.

For example, one of my husband’s reactions to his PTSD was to snap verbally and behaviorally to certain things. He would become rude in his tone and also many times become agitated in his behavior. As a result of it, I would become just as snappy with my words in replying to him and shuffle our youngest one out of the room away from her dad. I looked at it as though, I would make her go away and then I could deal with the hassles and take on my husband being an ass so she wouldn’t have to. This went on for years and became what we trained ourselves to think of as normal responses. Fact is, we were suffering from my husband’s PTSD and did not realize it. We (including him) did not realize that he even had PTSD at the time.

I just thought that he wasn’t happy at home and looked for ways to smooth things over or to take the “heat” from him acting like a jerk. My family has been plagued by abuse since we were kids and I knew how I felt when it was happening. I didn’t want our young daughter to be in the middle of that or to have any lasting effects like I did. In reality he was reacting to triggers and passed his reactions on to us in behavior and attitude.

Now the blame is not being put on my husband in anyway. Yes, he suffers from PTSD as a result from many military deployments during his career in the Army. Yes, he becomes angry and we get the brunt of his anger. However, not knowing he had PTSD and even when he was diagnosed with it, we had no clue what it really was, how it effected him on a daily basis, or how it effected us as a family. We learned that there were many triggers for his PTSD to cause paranoia, hyper-alertness (hyper-sensitivity), becoming withdrawn, numbness in feelings, the inability to sleep and the nightmares. As we learned more information regarding this, we also learned that we tried to “cover up” his behavior with our own actions. During this three year period he never had the opportunity to “work through” his issues.

We actually were preventing his progress in dealing with the side effect he had of war. Now that we are a little more informed of why my husband reacts the way he does, we have taken on a whole new approach to our own behaviors. As a family, now we look for ways to support my husband when he becomes withdrawn by giving him an hour upstairs where he has time to get his feelings under control or we go out for an hour and let him have the house. When the paranoia kicks in we shut the curtains in the house and watch a movie together instead of allowing him to feel vulnerable. When there’s a gunshot in the distance or a loud sudden noise nearby, I gently touch his arm and ask him if he’s ok. The soft touch and a familiar voice allows his mind to realize he is back home and not in a war zone.  To dull out the noises that wake him when he is terribly trying to fall asleep, we turn on a fan or a soothing sounds machine.

This disorder has effected us all. Instead of working against each other as we had before, we now work together. We function more as a family instead of roommates all in the same house. He still has bad days, but there are less of them where he is difficult to be near. We have also started talking more about what he is going through. Our discussions are not about what he did on his deployments, but more how he is feeling at that time. No longer do we suffer from unexpected reactions. His medicine does help calm his mind, but it doesn’t make his fears, hyper sensitivity, and occasional paranoia go away. It makes all of these tolerable and much less explosive. He even sleeps at night more often these days. The counseling also helps. He can talk to the doctors that can better understand what he is dealing with as many of them are veterans themselves and/or work closely with other veterans suffering from the same problems.

I have also learned that you can not make some one suffering from PTSD get help. They have to want the help for starters. Sometimes (as in my husband’s case) they are unaware of their behaviors and how they are treating those around them. They are simply dealing with their feelings and are oblivious to most anything else. They can be rather forgetful. It isn’t on purpose, they have so much going on in their minds that simple things such as showering daily become an after thought. I am constantly making subtle suggestions to my husband like, “so after your shower are you coming to bed?”. By mentioning the shower it is a mental cue for him to take one. I don’t need to be rude about it or make him feel like I am being controlling. If they feel like you are being controlling a person tends to react by purposely becoming defiant. It then turns into a vicious circle.

I have learned that you need to be patient and caring. Do not become co-dependant. Your happiness doesn’t come from making them happy. You are not failing as a spouse because your husband has become physically and/or emotionally distant. They are reacting to the numbness they feel. Work together and be understanding. Many times, there are support groups for the families at the VA Centers that you can attend. Read books and anything you can get your hands on relating to PTSD and how it effects different people. The better informed you are, they better you can deal with the cards you are dealt.

What happened to todays’ kids?

What have we done to our kids? These days I am so tired of seeing kids wanting a hand out at every turn. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but today in general, all kids think the rest of the world owes them something and should just give them whatever it is that they want.

Teenagers seem to be the absolute worst about it. They have a list of expectations about as long as a new roll of toilet paper. They think they should just be handed a car, the insurance to cover it, gas money, cell phones, laptops, spending cash, high end clothing, etc. Why? What have they done to earn it? Yeah, as a parent we are to provide food shelter and clothing for our children. Where is it ever stated that the rest of these items should be handed out to kids that likely are not contributing to the household in anyway except as a tax deduction? Our younger children see this from their siblings and friend’s siblings and take action by mimicking the older kids. This then becomes a building block for them a few years down the road as they try to follow suit with the older ones that have succeeded in getting what they want.

Who’s fault is this chaotic circle of “gimme gimme”? Yep, that’s right YOURS as a parent in today’s world. We have created our own personal hells. I think it stems from the old “I’ll make sure that my kids have more than I ever had growing up” mindset that we have created as a society. Many of us grew up having to pay our own ways in life and even had to go without things because our parents could not afford to provide us with those extra perks in life. Many parents still go without things just to give their kids those extra perks like cell phones.

In turn we have created children that look for the next “score”. Unfortunately they don’t really “earn” these things either. I see many parents that run themselves silly cleaning, cooking, working full time and barely taking time for themselves just so their children can have the newest, greatest thing. Many of these same kids can’t even boil water because they have not been given responsibilities within the household. Every time you turn around though, they want, want, want. What’s wrong with having your kids take out the trash, teaching them to do laundry, washing the dishes? Nothing. Many parents just feel that they want to make life easier on their kids. It is crazy.

For example: my boss has three boys. I have watched these kids grow up over the last six years. The oldest one just joined the Marine Corps this past summer, the middle one is a junior in high school and the youngest is a freshman. On top of these kids they have three friends that have pretty much grown up with them in the same house. My boss has kinda taken them in because they “had it rough” at home. By rough at home I mean that there parents had expectations like chores and the boys did want to do them and weren’t handed everything. So, now he had six boys to take care of and only half were his. He went out of his way to make sure all the kids had nice clothes, he paid to have their cars fixed, took them out to eat all the time, went on numerous trips, the list goes on and on. none of them have ever had to do chores in the past, and if they were asked to do anything they bitched until my boss said he would do it himself.

Now that four of them are 18 or 19 years old they still want things handed to them. My boss is slowly getting wise and has cut them off of the free ride they have gotten accustomed to. The one in the Marine Corps has finally realized how good he had it at home and is also glad to be making his own way in life now. The other three kids (the friends) are still trying to figure out why they have to pay for things themselves and have become mad that my boss makes them buy their own clothes, cars, etc. They feel that they are entitled to it….WHAT???

There are many factors to that example that have been left out..I could write a novel on that whole thing. The fact remains, my boss had parents that made him work from the time he was 15. He had chores at home and had to get a job as well. They did it to instill a work ethic upon him for later in life. They didn’t buy him the latest and greatest things. They gave him love, shelter, food and necessary clothing. The rest was up to him. When he had kids of his own he decided to try and be lighter on them with the household responsibilities so they had more time to do what they wanted to do. Now he has three boys that won’t do chores without a fight or at least a lot of arguing and are disappointed if not down right mad when someone doesn’t just hand them what it is they want. He created his own hell and is still living in it.

I have a young daughter. I was buying her all kinds of cool toys and awesome clothes as a toddler. Why? Because I never had it as a kid. Then she began begging for toys at the store constantly. When I said no, she threw a fit! It came to a point where I explained to her that the more she asked the less she was going to get. It took a lot of heartache on her end, but she finally got over the whole asking part. Then came chores….yeah that opened another can of worms. Eventually I introduced the allowance factor in.

The deal was if you get your chores done with out having to be reminded all of the time you can have your allowance at the end of the week. This enticed her because she would then get money and she could buy her own toys. Great plan! Many people don’t believe in allowances and that is fine. I decided to use it as a way to try to “pay her for her work”. Her chores were ones that fell outside the whole clean your room and hang your clothes type list. She had to put clean dishes away, clean the cat litter, put a new trash bag into the trash can. (She was 5, I was pretty limited on what I could have her do.) this went well for some time and then she stopped doing her chores. She decided the money wasn’t worth it to her anymore.

In the end we really just need to open our eyes to what we are doing and teaching our children

Adventures in Kayaking Trip 3

Well, here we were looking at the beautiful summer weather and realizing that it was August (2007) and the warm weather would soon be giving way to the cooler fall months. My mom began bugging me “Where are we kayaking this year? Huh? Where?” so I began plotting. I tried asking for input on where in Michigan we should go this year. Mom’s reply was simply “You did such a great job at planning last year that I will let it up to you this year. I just want to get on the water.” So it began.

I decided we should head back up north and stay at the same place we did the year before. The owners were so helpful for us and really provided us with a great experience. I tried to encourage ideas from the family as to what river they wanted to paddle. Well, no ideas again from them. So I figured we would take that same crazy trip with the same river and hellish current as the year before when the kid and I took a swim. So it was set.

Mom was telling a friend of her’s about the trip and our plans. Her friend (Chris) was so excited about the whole idea, that she wanted to go as well. We were so glad to have her along. She has been a close family friend for several years now and we love her to death. She made plans with her partner since she would be gone for a week without her.

My husband and I were talking to some friends of ours that were really interested in kayaking as well. They had just bought their first kayak and couldn’t wait to use it. They live in Chicago and own a house in South Haven that they plan on turning in to a B&B one day, where Sherry can also run a cooking school and put her chef skills to a good cause. It didn’t take long before they thought our trip was a neat idea. What the hell….we invited them too!!! Hey the more people the merrier is how we looked at it.

So now our trip has gone from my husband and I taking the initial trip two years ago, to adding 3 people (Mom, IDGI and Trin) the next year and now another 3 people (Chris, Sherry and Marcel) this year. Hmmm what 3 people can we add next year? Now the planning just got larger…

We rented two rooms and made plans for three vehicles and enough food for everyone for the weekend. As the time got closer everyone became excited. They all called regularly to see what they could bring, how they could help and to say how excited they were to be going. My phone lines have never been on fire so much before.

Finally the day arrives and we are ready to go. The plan is to meet at our house, where we will do the final loading and head off. Steve ran off to pick up my mom three miles away and drop her off at our place to help finish packing the food. We hung around waiting and waiting for Marcel and Sherry to arrive. In the mean time we entertained ourselves with a phone call I received from my dad.

See, our dogs had been taken to his house for the weekend since he agreed to watch them. We have had our pitmation Sassy on an electronic collar and remote system because sometimes she runs off. Steve explained the whole system to my dad and he only paid minimal attention to the instructional he was given. As far as he was concerned the dog didn’t need it and he wasn’t going to use it. OK! Well he called us later to fill us in on his own personal experience with the collar. Apparently he touched the two pieces together to activate it like he was supposed to. Unfortunately, he was depressing the button 4 when he turned the system on. The collar is equipped with six buttons. There is a good dog tone, a bad dog tone and four seperate levels of zap that range from lowest to highest. Yeah, he hit the high one. From what he told us it zapped him so hard that his arm shot out straight and shock itself hit his muscles in a similar way that tens unit does. His wedding band almost slipped off of his hand.

Now this may not be considered funny to some, but we laughed to the point of tears. First of all, if he would have paid attention to the directions it would have never happened, second he is such a wimp under normal circumstances. So the jokes began as well as the evil plotting. My dad did tell us that he wished they had these collars when we were kids. He said they would have been very instrumental in getting us up for school in the mornings. (Now you can understand why I have an odd sense of humor. Seriously, if these where around when we were kids…we would have tortured each other with the collars in a true sibling rivalry fashion) While true…it would not be pleasant.

Finally Marcel and Sherry arrive. We laugh and tell them about the phone call from my dad as we load one of the other kayaks on the top pf their car. Off on the road we go.

When we arrived it was a beautifeul sunny afternoon. We unpacked food and unnecessary items from the vehicles. Everyone found comfortable clothing and we headed down to the lake where we had been last year to enjoy the water. It was gorgeous. We took quite a bit of time exploring the shoreline and the awesome plant life growing there. After a few hours we pulled off the water and packed up. We headed back to our accomodations and began to prepare dinner.

Mom brought her little propane grill this time. Last year we found the outdoor charcoal grill to bit less than desirable for cooking. Dinner cooked on one of the outside benches while we all relaxed in our folding lawn chairs. We chatted about the lake and discussed the plans for the next day’s trip a bit further. After enjoying dinner and a few hours of good coversation we all turned in for the night.

The next morning we arose to a wonderful breakfast that Mom and Chris cooked in their room. The coffee, bacon, eggs and toast were a great start to the day and some much needed fuel in our bodies for the long trip ahead. Afterwards we finished packing the equipment and where on the road.

When we arrived to the drop in point we had to get passes for the parking areas. It is all run by DNR so the lots are monitored. The fines are steep if you are caught without one. We parked one of the cars and unloaded everything. We then transferred one vehicle to the final destination and met back up with the group. The sun was shining and the day was gorgeous. There were no calls for any rain or rumbles of thunder as had been the previous year.

We hopped in our yaks and headed down the river. We paddled along and our new guests fell in love with the scenery. I must admit, the river was beautiful. It was hard to notice just how beautiful it was last year with the torrential downpour we endured. We finally stopped for lunch at one of the many boat launches along the river. The boat launch happened to be the one across from where we took our “swim” last year. As we approached the bridge on the right side this time, I took a moment to snap a photo of the spot we stopped at last year.

After lunch we got back onto the water. The weather started to become cool through our the day. Which didn’t seem to bother anyone. We were all having too good of a time to care about something like that.

We approached a boat launch an hour or so down the river and Trin and I stopped so she could change her clothes. Shortly after getting back on the water from lunch my daughter had to pee but thought she could hold it for some time until we stopped again. Unfortunately for her she lost control of her overly full bladder and was stricken with quite a case of embarrassment. To help her keep her accident a secret from the rest of the group (as well as her dignity) I told everyone to just go on ahead and we would catch up. I helped Trin get into the launch and out of her yak. The current is naturally swift on this river and it doesn’t allow for young/inexperienced paddlers to bank themselves without getting pushed down river. Twenty feet from the launch was a brush pile and a small log jam, which we wanted to avoid at all costs if possible.

I retrieved some spare clothes, a towel, the hand wipes and a plastic bag from my dry bag. We headed up next to the out house so she could strip down, clean up and change. We were up there minding our own business and not paying attention to what was going on around us. After she was done we headed back down to our yaks at the launch. There we found the chaos that was happening while we where on the hill. Some folks had pulled in with their canoes and had dumped the canoes as they were getting out. Some of the gear began to float down river into the jam twenty feet away. One of the guys jumped in and swam for the seat sized life perserver that had gotten away. He grabbed in at spun around to throw it back to the others. In those few seconds the current snatched him up and began to pull him to the brush and logs. The rest of the group stood there not knowing what to do as the PFD came back down the river at him and slapped him in the face. My group had perched themselves across the river from the launch to wait instead of going on ahead. (They saw the canoes dump and wanted to make sure everyone was ok and so Trin and I bypassed the jam ok after our re-entry).

After some advice as well as more panic, they got the guy out and he stumbled onto the launch. As the beer cans spilled across the ground from more of their gear it was pretty easy to figure a contributing factor to their ordeal. Trin and I got back on the river just fine and headed back down the river with everyone else.

We had a great paddle. We finished the trip in about 8 hours including our stop for lunch. Shortly before reaching the end a misty rain began to overtake us. We sent Steve, Marcel and Sherry to retrieve vehicles from the other end while the rest of us unpacked the yaks waiting for their arrival. By the time they got back the rain had picked up a little harder and we were beginning to get pretty wet. Needless to say at that point we just tied the yaks down and threw the gear at random into the backs of vehicles without sorting who’s who of equipment.

That evening we sat around with some hot coffee and rambled on and on about the great day we had just enjoyed. It’s great to have good friends and good times. YAK ON!

Click to see some of our photos: Trinity, Sherry and Marcel and On the lake.